Toward Ecosophy

i have absolutely NO IDEA what any of you are talking about. i had to re-read what i wrote twice and i still don't understand your answers or responses and fear i've descended into speaking in clicks and whistles.

maybe i've hit the limits of the possibilities with online learning and trying because you can never ever be clear enough.

i actually feel these responses are deflecting responses. what i would've called "white." i'm loathe to use that word because James hates it but the more i think it the more it makes sense because "white" itself is absolutely meaningless and contrived to keep us at each other. so its generic MEANING is what i realized just now in the bathtub is absolutely PERFECT.

because white is as much an insult as black but then black is good white is bad oh no not another binary off black bad white good ..crap we cannot escape this! but i'm cartoon brain so lets use these false lables to prove the falsity of the BINARY.

this slides directly into the entrance of Baldwin's ideas. when i hear the stories of hearthspirit AND kallianeira's, i'm struck by how the NARCISSISM the being "white" is suicidal because it's all about the story of give me that and i've got the woman the land control all the money but ...

then what?

the end of Body Heat where you end up alone on a beach with a stranger. that's WINNING? James and i are watching the hobbit stuff in slow motion (meaning in pieces) and we're both asking, "so you're SO evil you end up with everything and kill it all!... THEN WHAT?"

we keep saying how the story is no NOW with the addled king/biden (three stooges doing evil)...

it's the same. then i realized the word must not be "white." it's WAY too loaded. so WHAT WORD? then i laughed realizing there IS one word that we can NOW all agree on. fully loaded to the maximum stock no trick treatments needed:

THE DEVIL.

i laugh because i used to chafe at that because according to my Nation of Islam friends back east i was half evil. i thought they meant literal DEVIL. so i laughed like it was folk stuff.

i was being WHITE.

too literal. assuming i know everything every reality every MEANING or interpretation of a word. (James and i fight over this ALL the time and i accuse him of being "white boy" about it... it gets complicated but you've gotta be able to JOKE about it not flog people because it's not really about RACE it's a way of looking at the world based on colonization use externalizing off-shoring negative consequences.

this is the Chicken Home to Roost time i was prepped for.

so i can not look away. this is Baldwin's corner because he said we're inseparable we're KIN. there is no one over the other.

so this the player/lover shtick but made HUGE. like what Papa G does. how do you magnify the love you would've given to your biological children and give one's life meaning by treating anyone who wants a piece of all you know as your children?

it's against the narcissism inherent in such a system because THIS is what i got from Baldwin finally: you cannot defile another human being without defiling yourself. i thought it was "cute." like you look bad. i don't care about looking bad!

but you defile yourself because you exercise the hate and bring it home. it's like there is no real separate smoking section. and it waters gardens with poison and poison grows.

but again there are other offshoots and so i say in what is disappearing of what i experienced...that no matter where i went as a runaway i found HOME. and "white" people don't have that anymore or with anyone or each other.

i'm not saying pick a box. screw the boxes. time to find NO-- time to start connections foster connections because it goes against them forever and always keeping us fighting each other and separate.

so we can be pissed at other vaxxed and anyone we want but is it LOGICAL? and that's why i call on the formerly abused. because we have learned under fire to defer our vengeance or dispose of it altogether and we have been forced to learn to see our monsters as human beings or the bile from the hatred and fear would've killed us long ago.

i know i sound like i'm preaching. i just CARE. this is real. i'm earnest. cynicism is OVER for me. i'm not playin' anymore.

i don't have kids and i worry for the kids. i wanna remind and re-institute romance and creativity in love. that's why i tell about what i've done with the DJs at KPOO. so you remember what's possible.

this is what the blues and the juke joints were about. life was hell but man... there is so much more to live FOR.

that's what i'm trying to incite. the curiosity the GRRRRRR!!!! of being alive and not caring what ANYONE thinks anymore because you've nada to lose and wanna leave behind kisses.

so i think you all are deflecting because i may not UNDERSTAND what you're saying but i'm also not feeling the GRRRRRR...

sometime words deflect all together and i gotta go "animal" and see how i'm FEELING inside. because if i feel confused flat or lost and not like thinking or acting... i get suspicious i'm being snowed like MY upbringing. / and see.... "feeling" isn't traditionally a "white" thing to indulge in-- the opposite.

but it's a lie. it comes out at night in the dark and in other countries and under other rocks.

chickens roosting. nowhere left to go. no smoking section anymore. can't pee in the water without drinking it yourself or spit in the air without it splatting back in your face or spit out gum and step on it miles later...

cannot happen now.

but i'm here from the borderlands to say we can blend the two not make it a binary proposition because: FEELING IS WHAT WILL SAVE YOU FROM THE ETERNAL B.S. EVEN FROM WITHIN/WITHOUT YOURSELF

(wink wink hearthspirit... or heathspirit i blow you a kiss with a smile with TEETH because I'M NOT PLAYING)

xxxxx

erika