no, dear Hearthspirit- i'm not going to let you jujitsu me away from noticing YOU with yet another link out of here AND winks and smiles. nah. i'm not there right now. it took me a lot of lost sleep and thinking to even have the courage to write what i wrote above.

i feel like i'm lap dancing before a football field on here and i cannot and will not let you deflect me, THIS and these thoughts, or yourself.

you were writing that piece to identify with others you apparently rescue. so you're feeling very First World with this and therefore it's put away and in a drawer somewhere and i can't do that anymore.

i've tried. but this last decade or so i had nothing to hold in my stomach for anymore. that's the loneliness and NO ONE is even a fraction how i am and not alone even with line tapping jokes or a husband who'll also wrap his arms and legs around you and hold the smoke up to your lips and spend his life repenting for getting you bit in the first place.

because that's what sounds like happened to that friend. and why i worry for MEN because that is their role and yet they've been turned into sociopaths like the first one who tried to bite your nipple off.

who's running off to find Jesus and protect his family right this time?

i saw the same thing in James and i see this wasted in our western cultures as we try as we take away their urinals because penis reminders are dangerous triggering fearful toxic monsters to be eradicated as we skip our way into this new test tube baby utopia of a slave force to bring food to people working at home indefinitely.

i was just out in the sun thinking of the people you were trying to save. the women getting their vaginas cut up ostensibly for their men...

but men who had NO IDEA of the actual procedures and complications and got physically ill and said no more!

i also get why Muslims hate the west and feel we take away and ruin the traditions and honor they HAVE. i always tell women because women listen to advice more than the more autonomous men with penises or testosterone-trained thought i say "look at who you're getting advice from or whose opinion you're worried about. are they who and where you wanna be? for real?" which is related to the "don't envy someone unless you're willing to do what they did to be who/where they are."

that clips envy and jealousy so well, they're rare indulgences and distractions for me.

but i think this is related to politics and capitalism vs socialism, which i'm still only just now learning about and asking WHY we weren't taught these philosophies and different approaches in school? what kind of citizens were we supposed to become???

and back to the narcissism and the self hatred so we're perpetually buying crap in a capitalistic society to fill the gaping hole. is this even TRUE?

i don't trust history, the assumptions who's telling it, or my own assumptions.

i'm staying you stop cutting up vaginas then what? feminism? like here in the west? why are you deflecting me out of habit when you're already plenty anonymous?

that's the THING about the internet about ALL THIS: people ARE people and we see the ego ruin our poker faces even when no one can SEE them.

and i'm calling for a new era of nudity and humanity because it seems what passes for polite in no-longer-so-polite society is actually cruel and inhumane to the point that it's not only the slaves serfs and simps crying out in agony: EVERYONE IS.

perfect.

this is why i don't go for the blank canvas of socialism starting over again because the past was foul, but i advocate we force the conversation. not to let them change the subject this time.

how does that look?

like not cute funny deflecting links taking me out of here when things get uncomfortable even though you're so well hidden i misspell your name as "heathspirit" because i SEE a heath an open heath where i can get no purchase on anything because it's vast and open.

but hearthspirit is WHO YOU WANT to be. and you are. because that man wanted to bite you for a REASON. i don't care if you're 300 pounds now, the fat the size cannot HIDE that kinda heat as in the hearth.

so i advocate our humanity so that we may stop slicing our own and each others' most intimate private parts... not some other 3rd world country but OUR OWN countries... and dare to feel not to empathize with THEM but us ourselves each other because we're dying over here and taking everyone with us.

all for ego. all for HEATHS ...open expanse untouchable...

so i'm doing my trickster coyote pain in the ass lonely bitch job and calling you OUT because we need you HERE. not pushing deflecting me away with links.

i scare people because i STAY in that fetal position role as often as possible in life. playing BOTH your role and that of the person with legs and arms wrapped around the other holding up the smoke.

and that's why i DO scare people. and that's why only the already dead see me and don't fear me. i'm not playing anymore.

it didn't pay (thank god) and there's no longer any reason. i'm holding my stomach in for THIRD GRADERS! that's what the internet is also to me and these numbers people worry about but then they see their fans up close and they're never "perfect" enough so who are these supposed fans worth holding your stomach in for at any time?

then you realize it's ALL so absurd.

but how do we stop cutting up each others' genitals with old cans and shards of glass and with what do we replace this discarded bad idea of a ritual with? because we need RITUAL. story. romance. a reason.

but first this time i advocate we know who we are. what we're starting with. this is why Doctrine Ritual of High Magic and third way stuff is EVERYTHING regarding an answer to me. we do the same thing for thousands upon thousands of years...

maybe i'm still an ex liberal strung out on progress needles hanging out of my veins, but it's so TIRED that we cannot find it in us to balance these aspects of ourselves and always be at war when it could be so much better if we at least aimed for something more interesting than ...what we're living now.

i don't know. i'm not even at pitching any stories. just trying to get the attention of some of YOU back and away from The Shtick so we can riff and try and play out NEW stories.

maybe i'm more talking to Murmuration here. he totally gets what i'm on about. we'd be friends like kids if we lived in the same town.

and VOILET! i'm sorry i accidentally wrote Violent. i type so fast and misspell a lot (no time to edit when i slice veins and write like this - James already called me out for being on here WAY too much so gotta pull back a bit) but i TRY to force myself to spell NAMES on here correctly so if you do a search of your name you won't miss a reply.

i forgot and signed "e" a few times in a hurry and will NEVER find those responses now!

Also VIOLET, i wanted to say as an artist/writer in constant play like you are, this writing HERE and showing the montage of how long EVERYTHING actually takes (like the radio thing) in a world where people have diabolically short attention spans for accomplishing or pulling off big ideas, i wanted to say that by accident i found that writing here instantly kind of "shreds" my ideas or forces me to refine or think on them more at least.

i like that.

it keeps my ego in check to actually write with Papa G's "permission," at first it made me itchy now i'm honored he lets me through at all and the BOUNDARIES are good for my thinking and just like acting doing a monologue vs. having a scene partner, i like how here forces me to be clearer and more vulnerable than if i'm writing alone in my own world.

it's good for ME. i need to be humbled and tested and fight for an idea or PROVE myself or it.

this is a long way around of saying VIOLET MAYBE YOU NEED TO BE MORE "VIOLENT" WITH AN "N." meaning MORE OF YOU IS GOOD. maybe go against your shyness and be more HERE and ramp up ...? whatever it is you wanna put through the rigors?

i understand you have other online commitments and i've cut out all others i had except for THIS one to keep my time online down.

i'm just saying that this site has been a good challenge for me because it was healing and knowing i wasn't alone went a long way to enabling me to have the courage to move BEYOND the horror and deal with it later or in limited amounts of time then return to new IDEAS (based on ancient ideas).


x

erika

you're missing what i'm saying.
you're in the phase of writing being about expressing yourself i suppose.
that's relevant.
i wanted to see your stuff more in PLAY.
but we have our phases and when and if you're ready you'll throw your ideas into The Ring, Violet.
we each write for different reasons. i must remember this and respect 'em all.

erika